I got to thinking about the future.
What if I got pregnant?
I asked mom what she thought, b/c technically if I DID keep it, I would be on my own, without Johnny's help... and mom was like, "well...? if you did keep it I would love you, though it might be a little hard explaining to your kid later that the father wanted to punch me in the stomach and try to kill him/her."
and she was saying that I should not even be fornicating with him if I'm not planning on marrying him.
which is true.... she said I'm just being used by him, but..... what if I'm only using him? ( I had a good point)
then if I did have a kid, would my love life go down the drain? b/c no guy wants a girl with baggage. I'd be alone with a kid for the rest of my life. :/ and everything that I dreamed for myself would never happen all b/c of one little mistake.... or a change of path, for lighter ways in thinking it.
Bambi is a handful now... I dunno if I could handle more.
Johnny and his mother doesn't want more children in the family, she said that she would gladly pay for an abortion....
which scares me...if I did... that would seriously end our relationship.
And with johnny having varicocele, it makes him highly infertile...and I'm taking birth control... but still....
I guess I'm thinking way to deep into this stuff... I'm making myself worried. (I wonder how many people actually reads this... anyone I need to worry about instead.) I'll probably feel embarrassed that others now see how much of a horn dog I am... :/ but I have to get these thoughts out, before I tell the wrong someone.