What if...

I got to thinking about the future.
What if I got pregnant?

I asked mom what she thought, b/c technically if I DID keep it, I would be on my own, without Johnny's help... and mom was like, "well...? if you did keep it I would love you, though it might be a little hard explaining to your kid later that the father wanted to punch me in the stomach and try to kill him/her."
and she was saying that I should not even be fornicating with him if I'm not planning on marrying him.
which is true.... she said I'm just being used by him, but..... what if I'm only using him? ( I had a good point)
then if I did have a kid, would my love life go down the drain? b/c no guy wants a girl with baggage. I'd be alone with a kid for the rest of my life. :/ and everything that I dreamed for myself would never happen all b/c of one little mistake.... or a change of path, for lighter ways in thinking it.

Bambi is a handful now... I dunno if I could handle more.
Johnny and his mother doesn't want more children in the family, she said that she would gladly pay for an abortion....
which scares me...if I did... that would seriously end our relationship.

And with johnny having varicocele, it makes him highly infertile...and I'm taking birth control... but still....


I guess I'm thinking way to deep into this stuff... I'm making myself worried. (I wonder how many people actually reads this... anyone I need to worry about instead.) I'll probably feel embarrassed that others now see how much of a horn dog I am... :/ but I have to get these thoughts out, before I tell the wrong someone.

after Luis' Dinner Party

I took him to The Grotto for his birthday... And took Johnny for the soul reason of a Family Discount.
Sadly, Uncle Morris, Nor cousin Carmella was there and NOR the Manager lady noticed Johnny and I... So!
Since Johnny didn't want to go bothering the manager, we had to pay full price.
Before we left to the Grotto, I said I'd pay...
It was $106. not including tip!!!! and I checked in my wallet for the 100 bucks cash mom gave me, and it wasn't there... >.< (It was at home in my jeans pocket) So I payed on my debit... losing more money from very little I had. and my paycheck was only 97 bucks... so technically I spent all of it and more just for a dinner.

So! Upset as I was driving home... I got to thinking of other jobs... b/c this Aeropostal thing is NOT working out. I seriously thought about going back to the Animal Clinic... taking Bambi to work with me and getting paid more.. but I thought... getting bit and being afraid isn't what I need. I thought about actually looking into the secretary jobs, but I suck at answering phones.. I can never hear people and I have a bad memory for tasks.
Then..... it came to me...
I could work at a Funeral Home.

They pay you to be serious and calm through hard times for families, And inside I truly feel better when I see others be in a very shitty state of depression. Like I LOVE watching depressing movies that show the true reality of it all. The movie Angela's Ashes... is a story of an Irish Family moving back to Ireland, Dad drinks their money away, mom keeps making babies, doesn't have food to feed them, so a lot of them die, their house is always flooded, the kids have no shoes...
Its just down right depressing! and that would have to be my favorite movie.

So I think I would be good working in a Funeral Home. I'm going tomorrow to two places, seeing if they need help with anything. Hopefully they'll like my professionalism on the topic and let me join them.

We'll wait and see. ^_^